Talking To God

Last night I had a hard time i needed to talk to God. I just felt something blocking me. I talked to two friends who prayed with me. One was even at a movie and still called me to pray. Things have been going on lately changes have been made. There will be someone new at work with us she is great but it is still a change. I have to have surgery the 14 th of October and the thought of being put to sleep scares me. This panic just sets in what if he doesn't know what he is doing even though i know he has been a doctor longer than i have been alive. I have been told that i will be fine that it will not be a big deal. I will feel better when it is over. I will have to take time off of work which is not going to be fun. I need to write though and get my winter sweaters out of my back room. Back to talking to God. I have a hard time with it I am a new christian. My best friend tells me it is like talking to her. I am going to try to do that everyday and get better at it. My life has been difficult lately with everything going on in my family and with my health. I am going to try to have a good day. Lord be with me throughout the day.

Anger and Frienship

I have found that you truly find out who your friends are. I am angry over something. I have this belief that if i don't do something to you i don't put up with you doing it to me. If your a true friend then you show up for people when they need you. Someone let me down and i know that happens but it still is never easy. I have been having a hard time recently. My anxiety has been acting up and what is happening has not made it easier. Also now i have to have my gal bladder taken out. I find out Tuesday if and when. I have to do something tomorrow that is not easy. I just pray i have what it takes to do it.

Whats going on with me

I had a panic attack last week the first one i have has in over a year i don't know what caused it all i know is that i wasn't at home when it happened. I guess my anxiety is taking over my life lately i plan on telling my therapist, on Friday. He can help me get it under control. Recently my behavior has been pointed out as being mean and i have to apologize for not being honest to begin with about how i feel i normally am. I nearly lost something and someone dear to me. I guess the point is to be who you are and be honest about it I don't always feel like talking i should have made that clear and i will. I guess we have to do what we don't feel like doing in order to be a better friend or whatever else it is that we are suppose to be. I went to bed at five in order to avoid dealing with my feeling now i up at one writing this. I hope to improve things in my life be better than what they have been. I love the people in my life very much i have to point that out. Someone a friend told me yesterday that the only approval we need is from God i guess i get of course a little when sometimes i feel that i need to have my friends and family's approval if i care about you i want you to be ok with who i am even though i know that this is wrong now if your a stranger i could care less about what you think i know that might make me a snob or maybe something worse but as i get older i see that you cant please people just try to please God. Just learn from my mistake if you have something to say just say it and if you cant be what someone else wants you to be let them know it up front so things don't blow up like they almost did for me. And to the people in my life if i let you down just let me know if i am not always on my best behavior. I cant change everything about me for everybody but i can try to do the right thing and take the high road as i have read on someones blog recently. I didn't do that yesterday and i am sorry for it. even though the other person wasn't not exactly wrong. I will get off here tonight and try to find something to do until 8 this morning and go to a job i love and do not want to loose even if i don't get paid i nearly lost it and it has scared me so i have some changes to make and i will do my best to make them.

Whats going on tonight

I went to Memphis for a week. I had a good time except i stayed to long and had a panic attack. It was also pointed out to me that a person that i thought was my friend isn't or at least that is the way it seems. Maybe i should talk to her first and see what is going on. It just seems that when someone claims to be your friend and care about you they would make time for you even if its only a few days a week not just when you need their help for something. I love her dearly she is like a sister to me. I don't think she feels the same way. So i will have to mourn this lost and hope i don't loose my job over it which i love dearly. I hope if this person is reading it she doesn't get to upset. I love her and don't want to loose her as a friend if she is a friend at all. or if this is strictly business. Also another thing that has upset me Supernatural is putting Paris Hilton on there show in this fifth episode it is my favorite show and this has upset me its like they are turning into a joke. But i need rest and i will get it after i visit with my best friend the one that made time to come see me tonight even though it is late and her curfew is coming up soon.

This Panic Feeling

There is this feeling i get at times. When my anxiety disorder acts up and it is like the whole world seems wrong. I am in Memphis this week with my best friend who lives here. I have had fun and the feeling hasn't been as strong. It just seems like sometimes the my world is not what it should be. I was anointed Saturday night. The empty feeling is gone, yes but the panic feeling is not. I guess it is something i should discuss with my therapist. I will in 2 weeks. I am at a library right now that is bigger than most and i am fixing to go look at all the books. Which is heaven on earth for me.

Memphis and Annointing

I was very blessed to have seen brady weldon last night. He annoited me. And the emptyness i felt was gone. I am here in memphis for the week. I am at starbucks tonight with my best friend billie jean. I hope to have a good week. I go back to work next week. which i am lookiing forward to. It seems i live in a constant state of panic lately. About money about gettingout of the current situation i am in . i love palms 13. Look it up sometime . I plan on devoting more of my time to writing in my free time. It may be my ticket out of town. Out of my poorness. Sorry this is short. I have been gone for two weeks my computer was messed up. I will be back tommorow hopefully.

Nobody ever wants what they've got.

That's a line from a book i am reading. I am almost 30 in about 5 months. I am on ssi i get food stamps and i am considered disabled. I got a letter just today about my food stamps. After i was done having my to early midlife crisis. It hit me that someone who let my life recently was right it is time to change what i don't like about my life instead of just sitting around feeling sorry for myself . So after i figure out what to do about something over the phone tommorow I am going to start reading the book my friend bought me about screenwriting and figure out a way out of here. I have been blessed i have somewhere to stay health insurance medicne doctors and food. I have family and friends that help me out when i need it. I just want something more from my life. When it is over with i want to say i have done something. I might not change the world but i would like to change my life.

Quiet Time

The past two days i have been sick emotionally i have bipolar disorder type 2 and an anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. It has kept me in this afternoon and tonight even though i need to walk. Last night was very bad i was here alone and only praying and reading the bible helped. I have been alone alot latley and it is starting to bother me I really need a human compainon even though God is with me jesus still needed companioship. I am only human it may sound like i am feeling sorry for my self but i believe in telling the truth even when it isnt what people want to here. My friends take me for who i am. They see the best of me even on my worst days. so for all of you that are out there lonely in need of an acutal human being tonight know that your are not alone.

Tonight again

I have tried all day of thinking of something to say tonight. So here goes nothing or anything maybe everything. There is a reason I am alone and I mean alone Just me and God when I let Him in. Something is about to happen in my life something major whether its good or bad i don't know but i can feel it tonight. I would love a sign but i have been told I have to show God something first so i am going to show him faith fullness which is what he is requiring of me at the moment. When it comes to men i have a tendency to lust for intimacy and i know that is something God insits to wait to marriage. But i long for love and to be held. I want someone to go dancing with. Someone to be with someone to talk to at night before i go to bed someone to see first thing in the morning Someone to share my life with. That is a desire I believe God has put in me. I am grieving for this which i shouldnt be it will come in Gods timing and he will make it the way it should be. So i about to head to bed with just me and jesus someone i need to spend more time with me in my prayers i will ask God to fill up my emptyness. My cat has never come back its been a week i had a dream she come back last night hungry maybe she will show up. To my beloved friends have a good night and a great weekend.

Who you are and the day I was saved

You should never let any one tell you who you are i had a very bad run in with some over my love life someone who barely knows me i let my temper get the best of me that's very true. I let a complete stranger make me feel pathetic. Him telling me that the only kind of man i would attract would be one that would abuse me. I was on the phone with a good friend at the time crying hearing her tell me if i was the kind of girl he was describing she would have told me by now. I had to get that story out of my system.

The important story in my life is the one when i got saved. It was a Sunday morning i went to the alter with one of my best friends Tracy she prayed with me in that moment i was saved. All the pain and anger and heartache of the past two years was taken away the shame was gone. I was living the way that a person shouldn't drinking getting involved with men i shouldn't hanging around people I thought were friends.

The people that knew me before September the 14 2008 can tell you that i have changed but the important thing is that i know i have changed while i still don't know everything about myself i know this much i love God with all my heart . I Love my friends. I love My books love them. I love music. i love food. I have a good family even though they are all a little of their rockers very loud very outspoken very very honest which is where i get it from.

I refuse to give anyone else control over my emotions. I try so hard to have the attitude that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks sometimes i forgot i am human and i breakdown a little. Something else that was brought up to me today. I have never been in love never not once thought i was but it was just infatuation i still got my heartbroken just the same.

I do beleive on my good days and even in my bad moments well most of them that God is going to send me somebody. And when i dont believe it 2 of my very best friends do and sometimes their faith strengthns me.

Todays lesson dont listen to some fool tell you how awful you sound when you say your lonely and your cat ran off they dont have to listen to his credit he delted me from his friends list. Which for the best. He doesnt know me and I dont care to know him.

Church is tonight maybe i will learn something if i put my heart into it i am sure I will.

Tonight

Psalm 13
How long will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide you face from me?
How long must i wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart how long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and awns er O lord my God
give light to my eyes or i will sleep in death my enemy will say i have overcome him and my foes will rejoice when i fall
But I trust in your unfailing love my heart rejoices in your salvation i will sing to the lord for he has been good to me.

I have been to wrapped in the world today it has taken me away from God and it has taken my peace i was seeking God when i came upon this psalm it has comforted my the past few days. I often feel forgotten and once when i was in this particular state i was looking through my book order and a book stood out to me it was called God has not forgotten about you it helped me to know he has still kept me in his thoughts which i have been told I always am. I believe God spoke to me through this letting me know I still matter.

I have been having having problems lately with faith my dear friend Billie jean has been counseling me on this saying that is the one thing that God requires from us.
I have been having problems with two things my cat being missing i have to have the faith that if it is meant to be God will send her back to me .

And the other thing this blog will be based on Me being single I have to believe that the desire in my heart for romantic love is given to me by God and that he will send somebody when it is time when he is ready and when I am ready.

I have begun trying to actively loose wait i have lost 81 pounds without even trying I want to loose another 71 pounds I have begun walking drinking more water and eating better i will try to walk 2 miles a day except when it is raining . I will try to cut back on my sugar intake me being a prediabteic,I will let you know in future blogs how my weight lost is going

I am going to let you go tonight i have to get supper I have only ate once today and it wasn't healthy.

I am going to end this by saying i love my father very much and i missed him fourth of July weekend God willing if were both still around i will be with him next fourth of July .

My First Blog

Well this is my first blog i will make it my introduction.

I am 29 single and technically crazy i have bipolar disorder type 2 anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. I am a christian newley saved in september. I love books they are my favorite thing in the whole world i will take time later and go into detail about my favorites. I also love movies and music. I am in the process of writing a screen play. I live in this small town and sometimes it seems to small. I hope to get out of here one day.

Fourth of july was amazing i got to got to hard rock on beale street. Then we watched the fire works down by the river. The crowds and the noise were overwealming for my agoraphobia. But the important thing is that one of my best friends had a good time I was staying with her in memphis for a few days. Though I missed watching the fireworks with my father which i have done every year for my entire life.

I had a cat for two weeks when she ran away thursday night. I miss her even though we were still to new to be close.

I will end tonights blog with one of my favorite bible verses.

Job 19:25 I know that my redeemer lives and in the end he will stand upon the earth.