Whats going on with me

I had a panic attack last week the first one i have has in over a year i don't know what caused it all i know is that i wasn't at home when it happened. I guess my anxiety is taking over my life lately i plan on telling my therapist, on Friday. He can help me get it under control. Recently my behavior has been pointed out as being mean and i have to apologize for not being honest to begin with about how i feel i normally am. I nearly lost something and someone dear to me. I guess the point is to be who you are and be honest about it I don't always feel like talking i should have made that clear and i will. I guess we have to do what we don't feel like doing in order to be a better friend or whatever else it is that we are suppose to be. I went to bed at five in order to avoid dealing with my feeling now i up at one writing this. I hope to improve things in my life be better than what they have been. I love the people in my life very much i have to point that out. Someone a friend told me yesterday that the only approval we need is from God i guess i get of course a little when sometimes i feel that i need to have my friends and family's approval if i care about you i want you to be ok with who i am even though i know that this is wrong now if your a stranger i could care less about what you think i know that might make me a snob or maybe something worse but as i get older i see that you cant please people just try to please God. Just learn from my mistake if you have something to say just say it and if you cant be what someone else wants you to be let them know it up front so things don't blow up like they almost did for me. And to the people in my life if i let you down just let me know if i am not always on my best behavior. I cant change everything about me for everybody but i can try to do the right thing and take the high road as i have read on someones blog recently. I didn't do that yesterday and i am sorry for it. even though the other person wasn't not exactly wrong. I will get off here tonight and try to find something to do until 8 this morning and go to a job i love and do not want to loose even if i don't get paid i nearly lost it and it has scared me so i have some changes to make and i will do my best to make them.

Whats going on tonight

I went to Memphis for a week. I had a good time except i stayed to long and had a panic attack. It was also pointed out to me that a person that i thought was my friend isn't or at least that is the way it seems. Maybe i should talk to her first and see what is going on. It just seems that when someone claims to be your friend and care about you they would make time for you even if its only a few days a week not just when you need their help for something. I love her dearly she is like a sister to me. I don't think she feels the same way. So i will have to mourn this lost and hope i don't loose my job over it which i love dearly. I hope if this person is reading it she doesn't get to upset. I love her and don't want to loose her as a friend if she is a friend at all. or if this is strictly business. Also another thing that has upset me Supernatural is putting Paris Hilton on there show in this fifth episode it is my favorite show and this has upset me its like they are turning into a joke. But i need rest and i will get it after i visit with my best friend the one that made time to come see me tonight even though it is late and her curfew is coming up soon.

This Panic Feeling

There is this feeling i get at times. When my anxiety disorder acts up and it is like the whole world seems wrong. I am in Memphis this week with my best friend who lives here. I have had fun and the feeling hasn't been as strong. It just seems like sometimes the my world is not what it should be. I was anointed Saturday night. The empty feeling is gone, yes but the panic feeling is not. I guess it is something i should discuss with my therapist. I will in 2 weeks. I am at a library right now that is bigger than most and i am fixing to go look at all the books. Which is heaven on earth for me.

Memphis and Annointing

I was very blessed to have seen brady weldon last night. He annoited me. And the emptyness i felt was gone. I am here in memphis for the week. I am at starbucks tonight with my best friend billie jean. I hope to have a good week. I go back to work next week. which i am lookiing forward to. It seems i live in a constant state of panic lately. About money about gettingout of the current situation i am in . i love palms 13. Look it up sometime . I plan on devoting more of my time to writing in my free time. It may be my ticket out of town. Out of my poorness. Sorry this is short. I have been gone for two weeks my computer was messed up. I will be back tommorow hopefully.