Talking To God

Last night I had a hard time i needed to talk to God. I just felt something blocking me. I talked to two friends who prayed with me. One was even at a movie and still called me to pray. Things have been going on lately changes have been made. There will be someone new at work with us she is great but it is still a change. I have to have surgery the 14 th of October and the thought of being put to sleep scares me. This panic just sets in what if he doesn't know what he is doing even though i know he has been a doctor longer than i have been alive. I have been told that i will be fine that it will not be a big deal. I will feel better when it is over. I will have to take time off of work which is not going to be fun. I need to write though and get my winter sweaters out of my back room. Back to talking to God. I have a hard time with it I am a new christian. My best friend tells me it is like talking to her. I am going to try to do that everyday and get better at it. My life has been difficult lately with everything going on in my family and with my health. I am going to try to have a good day. Lord be with me throughout the day.

Anger and Frienship

I have found that you truly find out who your friends are. I am angry over something. I have this belief that if i don't do something to you i don't put up with you doing it to me. If your a true friend then you show up for people when they need you. Someone let me down and i know that happens but it still is never easy. I have been having a hard time recently. My anxiety has been acting up and what is happening has not made it easier. Also now i have to have my gal bladder taken out. I find out Tuesday if and when. I have to do something tomorrow that is not easy. I just pray i have what it takes to do it.

Whats going on with me

I had a panic attack last week the first one i have has in over a year i don't know what caused it all i know is that i wasn't at home when it happened. I guess my anxiety is taking over my life lately i plan on telling my therapist, on Friday. He can help me get it under control. Recently my behavior has been pointed out as being mean and i have to apologize for not being honest to begin with about how i feel i normally am. I nearly lost something and someone dear to me. I guess the point is to be who you are and be honest about it I don't always feel like talking i should have made that clear and i will. I guess we have to do what we don't feel like doing in order to be a better friend or whatever else it is that we are suppose to be. I went to bed at five in order to avoid dealing with my feeling now i up at one writing this. I hope to improve things in my life be better than what they have been. I love the people in my life very much i have to point that out. Someone a friend told me yesterday that the only approval we need is from God i guess i get of course a little when sometimes i feel that i need to have my friends and family's approval if i care about you i want you to be ok with who i am even though i know that this is wrong now if your a stranger i could care less about what you think i know that might make me a snob or maybe something worse but as i get older i see that you cant please people just try to please God. Just learn from my mistake if you have something to say just say it and if you cant be what someone else wants you to be let them know it up front so things don't blow up like they almost did for me. And to the people in my life if i let you down just let me know if i am not always on my best behavior. I cant change everything about me for everybody but i can try to do the right thing and take the high road as i have read on someones blog recently. I didn't do that yesterday and i am sorry for it. even though the other person wasn't not exactly wrong. I will get off here tonight and try to find something to do until 8 this morning and go to a job i love and do not want to loose even if i don't get paid i nearly lost it and it has scared me so i have some changes to make and i will do my best to make them.

Whats going on tonight

I went to Memphis for a week. I had a good time except i stayed to long and had a panic attack. It was also pointed out to me that a person that i thought was my friend isn't or at least that is the way it seems. Maybe i should talk to her first and see what is going on. It just seems that when someone claims to be your friend and care about you they would make time for you even if its only a few days a week not just when you need their help for something. I love her dearly she is like a sister to me. I don't think she feels the same way. So i will have to mourn this lost and hope i don't loose my job over it which i love dearly. I hope if this person is reading it she doesn't get to upset. I love her and don't want to loose her as a friend if she is a friend at all. or if this is strictly business. Also another thing that has upset me Supernatural is putting Paris Hilton on there show in this fifth episode it is my favorite show and this has upset me its like they are turning into a joke. But i need rest and i will get it after i visit with my best friend the one that made time to come see me tonight even though it is late and her curfew is coming up soon.

This Panic Feeling

There is this feeling i get at times. When my anxiety disorder acts up and it is like the whole world seems wrong. I am in Memphis this week with my best friend who lives here. I have had fun and the feeling hasn't been as strong. It just seems like sometimes the my world is not what it should be. I was anointed Saturday night. The empty feeling is gone, yes but the panic feeling is not. I guess it is something i should discuss with my therapist. I will in 2 weeks. I am at a library right now that is bigger than most and i am fixing to go look at all the books. Which is heaven on earth for me.

Memphis and Annointing

I was very blessed to have seen brady weldon last night. He annoited me. And the emptyness i felt was gone. I am here in memphis for the week. I am at starbucks tonight with my best friend billie jean. I hope to have a good week. I go back to work next week. which i am lookiing forward to. It seems i live in a constant state of panic lately. About money about gettingout of the current situation i am in . i love palms 13. Look it up sometime . I plan on devoting more of my time to writing in my free time. It may be my ticket out of town. Out of my poorness. Sorry this is short. I have been gone for two weeks my computer was messed up. I will be back tommorow hopefully.

Nobody ever wants what they've got.

That's a line from a book i am reading. I am almost 30 in about 5 months. I am on ssi i get food stamps and i am considered disabled. I got a letter just today about my food stamps. After i was done having my to early midlife crisis. It hit me that someone who let my life recently was right it is time to change what i don't like about my life instead of just sitting around feeling sorry for myself . So after i figure out what to do about something over the phone tommorow I am going to start reading the book my friend bought me about screenwriting and figure out a way out of here. I have been blessed i have somewhere to stay health insurance medicne doctors and food. I have family and friends that help me out when i need it. I just want something more from my life. When it is over with i want to say i have done something. I might not change the world but i would like to change my life.